12 midnight. I went outside walked the pitch black alleys and through our neighborhood just to buy cheeseburger and fries.
If I had more money and if I am a less lazier version of myself I would go farther and come back at around 3AM.
As much as possible wala kang 2.75. At and overall GWA mo from 1st year first sem to 4th year second sem ay 1.75.
I suppressed it already. Hahahaha. Basta something about sa Romantic relationship ng mga teenager and whether single-parenting affects it.
I had another date with myself today.
My family weren’t home because they went to Divisoria to buy some party stuff in preparation for my baby bro’s 1st birthday, so I went out on my own again. Like I did last week and the week before that. It’s a funny thing when I’m on a date with myself because I always sleep on my way to anywhere. It’s unsafe but whatever. I walked aimlessly around SM Megamall. Just walking from Mega A to Mega B back and forth, floor by floor. Aimlessly.
In case you didn’t know, I like walking. I don’t mind walking 10 kilometers if it meant I could think and I could ponder the world’s mysteries and the inner mechanisms of the human mind. Then I realized I need to buy shoes. So I came looking for shoes. But I didn’t find anything I like, when I found some decent ones they don’t have my size. Well, I saw a gorgeous bag, and it’s cheap and it’s from my fave brand… but I still have a pretty bag and it’s still okay so never mind the bag. I came looking for a bra because I think I need new ones but I realized, I don’t have boobs so never mind the bra.
I ate at KFC because it’s the closest food chain I could find and I am famished. Then I walked aimlessly again. I went to fourth floor just so I could look at some beautiful paintings. I visited every store, stroking my chin as I jump paintings to paintings, sculpture to sculpture, portrait to portrait like some well bred lady. I liked some of them and even thought of buying some but I realized I don’t have millions of money to buy them for what they truly worth and I don’t have anywhere to put them if I did. Art is expensive, but I figured, it’s worth it. After my art hopping, I went to Starbucks, bought a frappe and a fruit cup and pretended to study. But my eyes are not functioning anymore. In fact, I am having trouble with them for weeks now. I think I need to go see an ophthalmologist. I think I’ll look banging with glasses on. Like some sexy evil genius or another ugly Betty.
I came looking for an ATM machine, but my eyes were blurry and my head was aching and I got lost in the mall for the nth time of my life. I’ve been multiple times on that mall but every time my brain stopped functioning I always find myself confused and lost. When I got my bearings I found the ATM. Then I went to Papemelroti to buy a red coin purse and a charm bracelet for myself. I don’t have anyone to buy charm bracelet for so I bought myself one since I am my bestfriend. It was this cute golden bracelet with a tarnished golden heart for a charm. I like it a lot. Oh I forgot! I went to Watsons before that. I bought a matte lipstick pencil from E.L.F. I bought an eye patch for my eye bags and a face mask that I could use later.
Then I went to the supermarket to buy a body wash and a shampoo. I also bought a rope ball and a pet spray for my dog. I miss my dog. Ever since I got so busy I never had a chance to walk and play with him. Anyway, after that I came home. And nobody’s home yet. And I realized, how lonely I am.
Thesis prof ko si Ma’am Oba. Thesis adviser ko si Ma’am Jumamil. Usually ibang tao ang adviser para may ibang input. Sa first defense, ano lang yan, parang concept analysis. Kung tungkol ba saan and paper niyo, para saan at kung paano niyo maa-achieve. Kung walang kwenta yan, bagsak kayo’t maghahanap ng ibang topic. Kung pasado, yan na ang thesis na pagsusumikapan niyo till the end.
Hatiin mo man ako
Timbangin mo man
Hindi ako sasapat.
Iguhit mo man ako
Hindi parin ako magmamarka
Halikan mo man ako
Hindi parin ako mabubuo
Kung ano man ako ngayon
ala-ala ng dating ako.
Di tulad ng dati
- stone heart
- plain face
- blank stares
- cold shrug
You can never really say what you wanted to say without your words being turned against you #freedomofspeech #invasionofprivacy
Hello world! It’s 1:27 in the morning and I just emptied myself by pouring my heart out, tearing up like a baby because emotions soared high.
We had this mock board exam thing going on in the Review Center. A little hypothesis going around, how you do in the mock board would predict the result of the actual exam.
Here’s the thing. I ‘need’ to pass this exam. For glory, for honor. For self-worth, for self-love. I am an empty shell of a person and I’d like to feed my ego with this license and with this title that’s gonna trail behind my beloved family name. This is for my dream, for my future, for myself. I am doing this for me.
I am selfish like that. And I’m fine with it.
I have been taking this thing seriously and not really. Not really… But sort of.
I am 50/50 you know. I fucking want this but I am shying away from it. I’m scared. Too scared. What if. What if I can’t? I <b>know</b> I haven’t been giving my all, studying and all that. I always have an excuse. I’m tired. I just got home from work. I’m busy. I’ll do it later. For the mock board exam I did exert some effort though. Right after I got home I open my reviewers, studied, reviewed. Not consistently, but I did gave it a shot.
Theories of Personality - 70/100
Industrial/Organizational Psychology - 57/100
Abnormal Psychology - 53/100
Psychological Assessment - 82/150
I don’t know what to say. My first reaction upon seeing my score (given via online message) was to tear up. Suddenly the fear that I am denying and hiding from became rock solid in my face and bounced into my gut then my chest constricted and my eyes welled up with big bullets of warm salty tears. The impending doom of my anxiety has become real. A big shadow in a Dementor’s cloak smiling at me. Ready to kiss away my happy dreams. What ‘hurts’ the most is the comment my mentor made. “<i>Parang di mo yata sineryoso ang exam huh</i>”.
But I did. Didn’t I? I tried. Does that mean….?
No. No. Maybe I am overthinking.
28 something days to go before the actual board exam. Can somebody ship me off to the end of the world?
If only night could extend into years. Into decades.
I’m so tired of daylight and activity and worry. I would like the darkness to just stretch for eternity where everyone is calm, where everyone is at peace.
But then again, night reminds me of how lonely it is to gaze up the moon alone. How lonely it is to dream on my own. How sad it is to smile in the dark with unshed tears hiding behind my lashes.
How seemingly destructive it is to romanticize pain. And feel some phantom fingers intertwine with mine. And to crave some unseen comfort, from some imagined hug.
Yung isa, guidance, nung third year samin pinaasikaso. Yung huli, industrial, nung fourth year.