If only night could extend into years. Into decades.
I’m so tired of daylight and activity and worry. I would like the darkness to just stretch for eternity where everyone is calm, where everyone is at peace.
But then again, night reminds me of how lonely it is to gaze up the moon alone. How lonely it is to dream on my own. How sad it is to smile in the dark with unshed tears hiding behind my lashes.
How seemingly destructive it is to romanticize pain. And feel some phantom fingers intertwine with mine. And to crave some unseen comfort, from some imagined hug.
Yung isa, guidance, nung third year samin pinaasikaso. Yung huli, industrial, nung fourth year.
I went to FEU earlier this Monday to process the requirements I need for the board exam. I came in to the visitor’s lounge which makes me sad. Thankfully the security personnel there weren’t such assholes. Getting in was actually pretty neat. Nobody even bothered to poke in to my bag.
I miss the school so much, but not the traveling. I still hate every second of it, but getting into the campus was always a welcome relief. The processing of my documents was fast, which made me feel both happy and sad. Happy because I won’t be late for work, sad because I no longer have a reason to stay for long.
I was able to get my TOR, Diploma and then have the processing for my CAV going on. I went to the Disciplinary Office to process my Good Moral when some bullshit happened. I am to render community service for 32 hours. Bullshit cause I have no reason to have a single violation. I’m too nerdy to go against the rules. I always wear my ID, always wear the prescribed uniform, always surrender my bag for inspection. I’m the total nerd. And yet, CS. I was pissed. What even pisses me of is that the student assistants there cannot even discuss to me properly the sanction, why, when and how could I make amends. All they did was stare at me like I’m speaking a different language and ask each other what to make of me. Sure, it’s not their fault and I’m just projecting my frustration to this girls but even so, they should at least know what they are doing. They are just sitting there by the window, waiting for a client then getting all flustered about the client’s concern. They cannot even speak to people properly without giggling at each other asking about what the person said or what the person asked. Clearly no idea what’s going on, and yet they are the once entertaining queries at the window. Wow.
Rendering community service as a result of me violating any school rules is fine. I don’t have anything against the rule it’s just that before graduation I made it a priority to check if in my four years in school have I committed any misdemeanor that could result from having troubles getting any documents from the school. And I am sure that upon checking if I have any, that the girl (another student assistant), from the disciplinary office, confirmed to me that I do not owe any community service for the school for whatever reasons. She said I am clean, good to go. Nothing to worry about. But here I am, cannot claim my good moral because apparently I have a record. What the fuck.
I am busy at work, busy studying, minding my own business and here it is… complications.
Anyhoo, I finally had my alumni ID, there, the people at the Alumni Services were great at customer service, great at entertaining queries.. They know how things are done. They were able to answer all my questions and walk me through the whole process. Which made the end result much favorable. Those girls were such a face palm.
I’m only on my third month in the company and I’m not yet super friends with everybody, because it takes a very long time for me to warm up to people. I don’t necessarily know why. I just don’t get attached easily.
It’s different in the working environment to show who you are because you really have to do a bit of sleuthing, and a lot of empathizing to get to know them so you could reflect your personality to theirs just so you’ll still be you without acting like somebody else while not ruining your professional relationship. Now that I am done with school, office is now my second home and my colleagues my second family and the more you see them, the more attached you get to them.
So it’s a bummer when our recruitment supervisor thew the R-bomb at me awhile ago. We do not belong on the same team, she’s from recruitment and I am from onboarding but our process are end-to-end and our line of business are pretty much align so we do things in connection to one another. As a result, I spend pretty much of my office hours working with her. She’s been in the company for almost 3 years and she is really good at her job. But long story short, she dropped the R-bomb. She is resigning!
It threw me off guard. Suddenly I felt terribly terribly sad, and also uncertain of my future. Hahahaha. I don’t know anybody who could do her job the way she does it. Nobody in her team is at par with her. Work ethics and all. And quite frankly I enjoy working with her, because she teaches me a lot of things, work and life wise. She made it easier for me to adapt. So it’s a real bummer knowing that she only has a month. What the fuck.
She decided to resign. She’s still young and she wants to explore the world and experience life. She doesn’t know why she’s been working so hard this past years. She feels like she’s just wasting her time. She feels like she’s missing out. She wants to study, get her master degree. Travel and be young. And I get that. I support her in that. It’s just hard.
I’m too young for her to leave.
Last night I had my very first Thai massage and it was awesome. Also my first time to have my butt fondled by a complete stranger in the dark with my consent. Hahahahaha.
It’s scary how things only make sense when you’re already there, and not when there’s still time to prepare.
I don’t know what my pituitary gland is up to but I am hormonal today. I woke up feeling lonely until my little sister greeted me good morning with her missing front teeth and it was so beautiful I got teary-eyed. And as I was preparing to leave for my review this Sunday I decided to browse some of my notes first and my mom brought coffee. And after she left I got emotional and all bitch faced. And my little sister returned with a plate of peanut butter sandwich and my heart constricted.
Yesterday I suggested that they should go see Ocean Park since it’s been years since we went there last and my little sister was just two years old then. I want her to see it again and also my baby brother even though he’s too young to comprehend what the fuck is a fish all about… and earlier they are preparing for the trip and I got all motherfucking emotional that I couldn’t come with them because I have my review and we can’t yesterday or the day before that because I have work… and I feel so fucking sad that I never get to enjoy my family anymore. I miss being carefree. I miss being relaxed.
And when I came downstairs a minute before I left, I kissed my little sister goodbye and she was watching Scooby-Doo and I saw how simple life is for her and I don’t know what I felt. It’s a mixture of happiness, envy and sadness and nostalgia and it was so painful. And she told me they are going to a big aquarium and I told her she has to enjoy the trip and I made her promise to appreciate it. Also I ask her to buy me a souvenir. I told her I wanted a dolphin.
And I left. Crying with my headphones on, my chest was constricted and my throat was burning. And I don’t know what’s up. And Flyleaf is playing Stay and it was beautiful and I was crying while walking while hoping that nobody will notice that there’s an idiot girl crying in the street with her headphones on.
Everything was so beautiful and sad today. And I felt so blessed and sad and hurt…
There’s a virus going around the office and it finally hit me! I’m actually on Day 3. Day 1 was all runny nose and sneeze balls. Day 2 nasal congestion and a bit of headache. Day 3 is just pure nasal congestion… so imagine me facilitating a contract signing, can’t even enunciate the words properly because my nose is all goofed up. Hahahahaha.
If you don’t know already, I am the type of person who steer clear of taking in any kind or form of medication. Even for serious cases of dysmenorrhea I try to manage on my own despite the torture.. but I decided to take a nasal decongestant-antihistamine pill last night because I seriously cannot breathe. And after taking it in I felt like my brain was filled with air. Ugh I hate medications. Fucks me up so bad.
Now I cannot taste anything. I’m tasteless.
Walang fairness. Hahaha. Wala lang minsan nagpapaka-childish lang ako.
*follows dreams* *dreams dont follow back* *unfollows dreams*
My mom left us to work abroad when I was seven years old. When she came back when I was in thirteen she broke up with my dad and ever since then we live with her and her new family.
The thing about my mom that saddens me the most is that she never really gave me time to enjoy my childhood. When she left, I was left with my dad who gave me a very long leash to enjoy my childhood life, and when she came back that leach was cut short. And I have to behave, I have to be that, and I have to be this. She forced me to mature. Like, I have to mature. And I am at loss. When she returned I am just a budding adolescent about to experiment about my own life and my love life but she put rules and limits and deadlines. I never got to enjoy high school with my friends because we kept on moving places hence, moving schools. I am not allowed to have relationships, not even crushes.. I am not allowed to go home even a minute late to socialize. I have to be an adult.
Now I am an adult. And I feel like I lost a lot of opportunities. I mean, I think I did pretty well given the circumstances, but I can’t help but to feel like I never really became a teenager. My teenage years was fast forwarded. And going back, she never ever really treated me like a child. Ever. Even when I was in kindergarten she expected me to always do things the right and mature way. A small misstep, a very understandable mistake I was punished.
And to see how lenient she is with my siblings is unfair.
My mother was only eighteen when she had me and I understand why she is the way she is. She wants somebody to be the adult for her. But… I hope she doesn’t lean on me as much because I can never have my turn. I can never have her as someone to lean on to. I can never speak to her about my childish thoughts and dreams. I have to be a mother to her and her not mine. I just don’t understand why I don’t have a choice but to bottle all these fears, insecurities, uncertainties inside me just cause I don’t have anyone to vent them all out into.
Why don’t I have a mother?