Sa bahay lang ako eh. Huehue.
When I was a young girl, 10, I was sent to a province with my sister to spend our summer vacation in. It’s the first time we’ll be spending it with my grandparents on my father’s side for we always stay with my other grandparents. One night we literally sat in the middle of our little courtyard by the bonfire with my other distant cousins and other distant relatives as our elders began sharing family histories. Too amazing to be real, but too vivid and detailed to be shaken off as made-up stories. While the elders talk animatedly of various adventures, myths and horror stories we children just sat and listened.
Then my grand mother told us a love story. According to her, her fore father was a Spanish captain, something like a civil guard of some sort. And they are patrolling around this small barangay. It was a lovely afternoon when the captain and his guards came to a sapa, they heard pretty voices of girls chatting and giggling with each other and the steady thumping of a palo-palo. And since they are Spanish guards, the ladies were all scared and threatened. They stopped talking, giggling and washing their laundries when the civil guards approached. They all stood, huddling together like scared hens, their saya all wet up to their knees. A pretty sight for the guards.
The captain raised both his hands and told them that they won’t harm them. The captain even ordered his men to hide their guns and sundangs. They even removed their helms. All the ladies were scared, for the rumors of civil guards are also rapists and Filipina women often fell as victims.
Then there was one girl, who stood in front of the flock of scared hens. She stood tall despite her height, her curly black hair fall effortlessly and flawlessly on her shoulders. Her arms stretched like a cross, like a shield protecting her friends. When the captain of the guard came closer she took a step forward meeting him. She told him that she will kill him if they touch any of the girls. Even showing the captain a little sundang hanging on the girl’s hips. While the guards laughed, the captain just stared at the girl’s eyes. And they stood there, looking at each other.
The captain introduced himself and the girl just stood straight. My grandmother said that not responding to a full blood Spaniard when asked was a sign of disrespect and often leads to a broken lip, but the girl just stood there like she doesn’t give a damn whoever he was. The captain was shocked by her, and also, amused. The captain asked for her pardon, went down on his knees and kissed her hand. A traditional greeting of noble Spaniards. A greeting of a noble man to a high born lady. Everyone was surprised, even the girl. She took her hand in a hurry, for it is too much to bear. And quite a scandal! After all, she is nothing but a native girl… Blushing she told the captain to leave. And when the captain stood, he begged for a name. And she gave hers. The captain bowed, and ordered his men to leave in peace. The captain bowed, and left with his guards. Giving the girl one lasting glance.
That night the girl has gone missing. Rumor has it that the captain took her. That the two eloped and lived together.
I think it’s a pretty story. Made-up or real.
I used to watched Skins UK. In fact I finished the first two generation. Broke my heart. I love shows that is mind boggling and gets you thinking. Plus the drama is so real and so raw it just grates your heart. I’m thinking of seeing the third generation but.. I don’t know. Nothing beats the first two generation.
On other news, it’s too hot. I’m just gonna go and take a bath. Come with me?
^that’s how I feel.
I woke up at late noon for the sake of waking, plus my mother yelled at me. I ate lunch, watched tv and fell back asleep and woke up at six o’clock in the evening. Now, I am wide awake. I feel utterly nothing.
Tomorrow I’ll be running some errand. I’m leaving for Manila to pay in person for my board review. Yep. I’m enrolling myself to a review center. The board is in October 6 and by then I would like to be a registered psychologist. To be honest, I’m nervous. Well yeah it’s always been a part of my plan. To pass the board so I could level up, earn more, save more and have my masters degree but now that the future is almost in my hand I’m not sure if I can do it.
I know feeling this way is bullshit but, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this future stuff. I always thought of my future as me being alone. So… Planning alone seems, dull.
Anyhow, I have to wake up at nine tomorrow.
I am in no place to judge. But you know its wrong one way or another. First, you have a child. Second, step dad mo yan. Asawa ng mother mo, mahal ng mother mo. You are letting your step dad cheat on your mother, much worse, he’s cheating because of you. Plus, you’re a minor. You are a mother, yes, but still a minor. Plus he’s your acting father so…
All I know is that I can’t tell you what to do. Ikaw lang din ang makaka-solve niyan. If you are a catholic, please feel free to talk to a priest. He won’t judge and he’s bound by oath not to tell… and I’m sure that he can help. Kahit through words of wisdom man lang makatulong siya. I’m sorry kung wala akong maitutulong sayo but… you should have someone to talk to, someone better than me. This is serious matter. But kung ano man ang maging pasya mo, I do believe yung tama ang susundin mo.
I am in love at first sight with the shorts I saw earlier at the FEU bookstore. I want it. I need it in my life. It’s beautiful. My butt is craving for that sexy short. Oh my god. I want that short… why don’t I have the money for that short today it’s only 300. My butt would look good in that… plus this sleeveless/sando thingy. Oh god. The two would make one sexy running outfit a.k.a lounging outfit a.k.a pajama a.k.a everyday outfit. UGH. That short, the moss green thingy with golden lining, with the tamaraw logo on the lower side with the thing you tie around the waist… the sando in grey with FEU printed in front.. UGH.
If you saw them, please do not buy them. I don’t want the shop to run out. I will buy them both!!
I. Want. It. Therefore. I. Will. Have. It.
What I got from backreading my blog is the realization that I had undergone a great character development. Hahahahaha.
I am the type to tell people I have a crush on them. Ever since I started feeling things I approach and tell. And that leaves me being at the end of the rejection line. I have encountered lots of reactions from me telling people I have a crush on them. There are this people who starts avoiding you like you told them you have a contagious disease. People who got a long text message that they really really have to reply to right after you tell them you have a crush on them and they really have to focus on it that they couldn’t tell you what they think. There are this people who will keep asking you if you are kidding for a hundred times and laugh at you for a long time. People who will be so extra caring, loving and clingy and so over-bearing your feelings will evaporate just as fast as they become one irritating motherfucker. And the real ones who cares for you genuinely who will smile, thank you and remain a genuine person. The last type are rare, very very rare, and my feelings for them starts to grow more and more as time goes by.
Things are different though if the person is the one who has a crush on me. See, I’m not used to being the one who receives the love. As much as I curse broken heart I rather the feeling. I feel uncomfortable being given affections by my non-family-related guy. Turns out I’m a bitch.
I would like to think I am empathetic. And I immediately get or grasp other peoples feelings especially when those feelings are directed to me, so when people have a crush on me I either become I hard bitch and go full-on reject or I become a real person and appreciate people’s feelings and not be an asshole.
The thing about guys crushing on me which results to me being distant is because I feel like they confuse me with somebody else. Most of the time they only like me because they have another version of me in their heads. I discovered that this guy who had a crush on me when I was in third year college had a crush on me because I was such a good girl. All study, all books. We never even hanged out before or ever. He just assumed I’m that type and when we met recently, well, he caught me in my best time, in my moment, in my zone, me just being me, and wow what a dick he really has the balls to call that wow maybe, 'nasa loob ang kulo' ko, because in reality I am one fucking funny, speak-the-mind-when-I-find-it-appropriate-and-inappropriate-kind-of-girl, I am active, totally ungraceful, totally sexy, totally opinionated and totally not the girl of his dreams.
Um Wow. What a dick. Good thing, you’re not my type bro.
Anyway, that’s that. So yeah.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post but I hope you get what I am trying to tell.. Hahahaha. Yeah.
I’m just waiting for April 23 and I will start looking for a job. Well I’ve been browsing for jobs here and then but most if not all wanted future applicants to start ASAP and I still have my graduation day to look forward to. I just want to get things over with before I could start fucking my own business. Y’know?
And ugh… this is the time where fantasy versus reality kicks in. In my mind I would be earning a specific amount of money but in reality companies pay less for fresh graduates, for inexperienced people such as myself plus the government wants you to be down on your knees begging for a piece of bread because taxes. Also I’m a bit of a shopaholic. Because of stress I love to pamper myself with stuff and such so maybe I need my own accountant or life coach or whatever.. Thinking about stuff leads me to over thinking stuff equal to insomnia. So here I am.
There is this board exam thingy. If I pass the board I will be a registered psychologist and I could apply for a more high paying job, therefore I could save the money for my masters, therefore internship in a mental institution therefore more degree and experience then I can be a psychology professor teaching abnormal psychology, experimental psychology.. Oh sure I can take the exam but I would like to enroll myself in a review center. Of course I could have the review all on my own but having to relearn stuff with somebody else, with other people makes it better not to mention there are other things that you can learn or get from them, something you may not come by on your own. But, of course, it will cost money.
And my parents just love to remind me that I am now a graduate, therefore they have done everything they have to for me and they have nothing left to do with me and that I should start working, earning, contributing, paying back every single centavo they spent on me. Oh if only they could shove me out of the house they probably would.
I just.. I just want the world to stop spinning for a while. A day. A month. A year. A decade. Just enough until I am breathing again. Just enough until I stop hyperventilating and panicking. The future is at the gates and I don’t like opening gates or doors to anyone or anything because anxieties. I’m not yet ready. And I won’t be unless the world stop pressuring me. I am already under pressure.. just cut me some slacks.
And I can’t really talk to people nowadays. I can’t voice my fears to anyone. My parents wants me to act like an adult, like, what the fuck is that? My friends think of me like I always know what to do, like I am someone who can never go wrong, I’m the smart friend, the brave friend, the most confident.. In fact I know my friend’s own stress stories, I know what they are afraid of and they rely on me to be the strong one and I can’t really crack myself open to anyone because apparently everyone has their own version of me inside their heads. And that version of me is a kick-ass person, always happy, smart, confident, brave. I cannot be this sad. I cannot be this of a coward, for fuck sakes I am Shiela Tantiado. I know everything.
Well I don’t know anything. I am stupid and scared and terrified. And why can’t I be the weak one for a second? I just want to cry. I just want to talk. Have someone to hug me so tight and be with me until I figure out life. I just… please give me a moment.
Yesterday I came to school to pay my commencement fee (tickets to the PICC for my parents). Today I came to school to have our class picture taken, be oriented about the actual ceremony this coming 23rd, exchange my cap’s tassel and gown hood with a new one (from white to light blue), attend the baccalaureate mass and have the invitation and the tickets.
It’s the first time in a month (I guess) since we last saw each other so everything’s exciting. I haven’t recovered from my journey to school yet and still about five meters away from my friends when our day-long chat started. Boy, I missed them. Our conversations evolved around who’s a job already, who’ll be attending the graduation ball, plans after graduation, who’ll be interested in reviewing for the board, bla bla bla. After a long moment the selfies erupted. I brought Delilah (my stepdad’s grad present to me, a Samsung Galaxy Tab 3) with me so we could take pictures. Here’s a few.
With my fresh-junior college friends.
With some of my block mates.
And with my thesis friends.
Then we had our caps and tassels exchanged and then we had our class picture taken. Unfortunately I left Delilah in my bag and forgot to ask someone to take the picture using Delilah… anyway here’s a stolen collage of our class picture. (Photo stolen from my beloved friend, Aly)
And then my friends and I went out to have our lunch, unfortunately I wasn’t able to get decent pictures while we’re there, anyway we had fun eating, talking and laughing together. Afterwards we headed to our building and attended the graduation orientation. My friends and I were not together then because the orientation was held in different rooms and every student was grouped according to their surname initials. I’m part of the last group. And then we attended the baccalaureate mass at the school’s grandstand. I hate the heat. Ugh. And to make matters worst, it rained. At least for just a minute. I don’t remember much about the thing because I fell asleep halfway through. Hahahahaha. I was talking with my seatmate, Billy but then I fell asleep. I woke up just right after the homily where we are about to stand.
Then we were dismissed. And then just as planned my friends, my block mates and I gathered and wrote stuff on our white uniforms. That was, I guess, the highlight of the evening.
And so I came home wearing this:
(oshecantbeloved is my sisters ig account. I just printscreened this lol.)
The graduation invitation and the tickets weren’t given today and the distribution was moved this coming Friday and as much as I don’t want to come back to school, I have to. Hahahaha
My next grad-related post might be the very day itself. And the graduation ball if the psychsoc decided to push through with the event or if I will go. :)
I may have an idea what comes after the long beep of your life support. Quiet. Peace. Tranquility. And nothing more. Why would anyone be afraid of endless nothingness?
I was never scared of death. In fact, I always toy with the idea of me dying.
My traveling anxiety roots from my fear of getting lost, or suffocating not from the fear of me crashing or something. I hate traveling because almost all vehicles are enclosed and its suffocating, plus I fucking hate car air fresheners. (I just hate the smell of cars and other four wheeled vehicles that’s all.) When I’m in a vehicle and the driver’s such a maniac and drives like a lunatic or every time the vehicle collides with another, I always expect me to die from its crash. When we were in a plane for Singapore on my 18th birthday and every time the airplane shook and made weird noises because of the turbulence I wished it to just lose an engine or break its wing and fall from the sky. When this little squatters village near our compound caught fire and almost burn our house, I actually hoped that it would actually caught fire and burn alive me with it.
As much as I fear danger I don’t dread death. When I was mugged on my way to school on my second year in college I loved the adrenaline rush it brought me, but I felt a bit disappointed that that dude who was mugging me for my iPhone was stupid enough not to threaten me with a real knife, or a real ice pick…
All I’m saying is.. I hate the anticipation of dying. If I die, I’d rather from a bullet in my heart than cancer that kept on sending me memo every minute of the day that I’m going to die. If I die, let me die now ASAP and be done with it.