Last night I had my very first Thai massage and it was awesome. Also my first time to have my butt fondled by a complete stranger in the dark with my consent. Hahahahaha.
It’s scary how things only make sense when you’re already there, and not when there’s still time to prepare.
I don’t know what my pituitary gland is up to but I am hormonal today. I woke up feeling lonely until my little sister greeted me good morning with her missing front teeth and it was so beautiful I got teary-eyed. And as I was preparing to leave for my review this Sunday I decided to browse some of my notes first and my mom brought coffee. And after she left I got emotional and all bitch faced. And my little sister returned with a plate of peanut butter sandwich and my heart constricted.
Yesterday I suggested that they should go see Ocean Park since it’s been years since we went there last and my little sister was just two years old then. I want her to see it again and also my baby brother even though he’s too young to comprehend what the fuck is a fish all about… and earlier they are preparing for the trip and I got all motherfucking emotional that I couldn’t come with them because I have my review and we can’t yesterday or the day before that because I have work… and I feel so fucking sad that I never get to enjoy my family anymore. I miss being carefree. I miss being relaxed.
And when I came downstairs a minute before I left, I kissed my little sister goodbye and she was watching Scooby-Doo and I saw how simple life is for her and I don’t know what I felt. It’s a mixture of happiness, envy and sadness and nostalgia and it was so painful. And she told me they are going to a big aquarium and I told her she has to enjoy the trip and I made her promise to appreciate it. Also I ask her to buy me a souvenir. I told her I wanted a dolphin.
And I left. Crying with my headphones on, my chest was constricted and my throat was burning. And I don’t know what’s up. And Flyleaf is playing Stay and it was beautiful and I was crying while walking while hoping that nobody will notice that there’s an idiot girl crying in the street with her headphones on.
Everything was so beautiful and sad today. And I felt so blessed and sad and hurt…
There’s a virus going around the office and it finally hit me! I’m actually on Day 3. Day 1 was all runny nose and sneeze balls. Day 2 nasal congestion and a bit of headache. Day 3 is just pure nasal congestion… so imagine me facilitating a contract signing, can’t even enunciate the words properly because my nose is all goofed up. Hahahahaha.
If you don’t know already, I am the type of person who steer clear of taking in any kind or form of medication. Even for serious cases of dysmenorrhea I try to manage on my own despite the torture.. but I decided to take a nasal decongestant-antihistamine pill last night because I seriously cannot breathe. And after taking it in I felt like my brain was filled with air. Ugh I hate medications. Fucks me up so bad.
Now I cannot taste anything. I’m tasteless.
Walang fairness. Hahaha. Wala lang minsan nagpapaka-childish lang ako.
*follows dreams* *dreams dont follow back* *unfollows dreams*
My mom left us to work abroad when I was seven years old. When she came back when I was in thirteen she broke up with my dad and ever since then we live with her and her new family.
The thing about my mom that saddens me the most is that she never really gave me time to enjoy my childhood. When she left, I was left with my dad who gave me a very long leash to enjoy my childhood life, and when she came back that leach was cut short. And I have to behave, I have to be that, and I have to be this. She forced me to mature. Like, I have to mature. And I am at loss. When she returned I am just a budding adolescent about to experiment about my own life and my love life but she put rules and limits and deadlines. I never got to enjoy high school with my friends because we kept on moving places hence, moving schools. I am not allowed to have relationships, not even crushes.. I am not allowed to go home even a minute late to socialize. I have to be an adult.
Now I am an adult. And I feel like I lost a lot of opportunities. I mean, I think I did pretty well given the circumstances, but I can’t help but to feel like I never really became a teenager. My teenage years was fast forwarded. And going back, she never ever really treated me like a child. Ever. Even when I was in kindergarten she expected me to always do things the right and mature way. A small misstep, a very understandable mistake I was punished.
And to see how lenient she is with my siblings is unfair.
My mother was only eighteen when she had me and I understand why she is the way she is. She wants somebody to be the adult for her. But… I hope she doesn’t lean on me as much because I can never have my turn. I can never have her as someone to lean on to. I can never speak to her about my childish thoughts and dreams. I have to be a mother to her and her not mine. I just don’t understand why I don’t have a choice but to bottle all these fears, insecurities, uncertainties inside me just cause I don’t have anyone to vent them all out into.
Why don’t I have a mother?
I am trying not to over think things, but I am catching myself worrying about the board exam. I don’t want to think negatively about my future score since I think I can handle it but.. I.. just.. fuck.. things.. up.. sometimes. And when I fuck things up, I fuck them hard. So yeah. It worries me.
But naaa. I’m just going to suppress this anxiety cause if I don’t I might throw up. Last last night I almost had a panic attack just cause my mind went a little overboard with the worrying.
I just need a hard push and a constant motivation. I am lacking motivation these days. I’m so uninspired. *cue in Untouched- Veronicas*
I bought a new notebook and colorful pens just so I could take notes of stuff. I am also thinking of putting all my papers in a huge binder thingy folder. I will ask my step dad how he did his cause I saw this cute binder thingy at the book store and I want to organize all my handouts in a binder thingy to make it look less uncomfortable to look at.
And yeah, I am going to treat myself like a high school student with a five minute attention span. I will organize all of them, make it all colorful, girly, basic and less traumatizing.This is a new intervention. Hahahaha.
Thing is I am having a hard time balancing work and studies, especially since my job is so consuming. I always got no time to study. And when I get home I usually prefer just lounging around just to calm my tits some more. Huhuhu. I need a secretary to help me sort things out. lol
One of my ultimate crush, Nikki Gil, has another production this month, The Last Five Years. And I wanted to see it. :(
First, it sound so cute. Second, I saw/heard some teasers in her instagram and the score sounds beautiful. Third, it’s Nikki Gil. Fourth, I just crave some good theater performance so bad. I just huhuhu I miss theater.
Thing is, I am not familiar around Makati, I don’t have a ride to go there, I have no idea how much would it cost, I have no company. :(
Kung psychological board exam, oo. Psychometrics kukunin kong board, so wala, bachelors degree lang. :)
Pinangarap ko dating mag check in sa Sogo nung nag-aaral pa ko. Gusto ko lang maligo sa bath tub o matulog kahit mga tatlo o apat na oras lang. Gusto ko lang tumakas sa Earth. Hahaha kaso ang weird. Tapos wala akong kasama, wala pa akong pera. Pero masarap tumambay sa admin building. Sa third floor. Wala naman kasing masyadong tao dun.
"We, humans, only uses 10% of our cerebral capacity", according to real-life scientists this statement is a joke. Urban legend, myth.
But even so, I think there is a valid reason why we are only capable of using only a little percent of our capacity. Einstein got it right, we are irrational beings and not to be trusted with power. We are only harnessing that 10%, and look how dangerous we already are. Imagine if we all have access to the rest of this power. Imagine the ruin.
I always thought that Time is only make-believe. That the very concept of time is to limit ourselves with deadlines, but Time is more than just a concept, it is what make us evolve. And that the best thing to do to catch up with Time is to slow down.
I went on a date today. My date bought me jacket just cause I’m feeling cold. My date knows that I have been craving 4-cheese whoppers since last week so we had 4-cheese whopper from Burger King. I bought a new bag, which I totally adore. And we watched Lucy. I fucking love Scarlet Johansson.
What a date.